Wise Cracks

All the world is abuzz over the news of Jon and Kate Gosselin's separation. On this morning's news, a commentator asked an "expert" if the stress and fame of being on TV brought about the end of this marriage. The expert said no. "The cracks were already there," he said. "Being on national TV just exposed them."

So, I've been thinking a lot about "cracks" today. I can't think of a single marriage that hasn't had some kind of cracks- some created by the couple themselves, some created by choices made, some because of what life has thrown at them. I believe it's what you do with these cracks that determine the longevity of a marriage. Let me illustrate . . .

Once upon a time, there was a young married couple. They got into a fight. Words were said. Feelings hurt. The wife angrily stormed out of the house. Shortly after she left, the husband received a phone call that his brother had been in a serious motorcycle accident. He scribbled a note to his wife, explaining that he had gone to the hospital and left. Somehow, that note disappeared. And when the wife came home, her husband was gone. And gone for a long time. Thoughts raced through her mind, that her husband had left her and left for good. She realized how silly the argument was and what her marriage meant to her. When he returned home and explained what happened, they determined that nothing was worth fighting over again. My mother says that was the only fight she and my dad ever had. Sure, they disagreed at times. Everyone does. But my parents never used words that were intentionally hurtful or demeaning to us or to each other. There were plenty of potential cracks in their marriage- constant moves and long separations due to military assignments, snotty children (not me, of course), and financial stress- but my parents sealed up those cracks to prevent them from destroying the foundation of our family. That was the kind of home I was raised in and the kind of home I wanted to have myself.

The night before I married my amazing husband, I stayed awake thinking about the changes the next day would bring. I wanted a marriage like my parents, but knew that simply being married in the temple was no guarantee. I wondered what would guarantee a long, happy, eternal marriage. I determined that there was nothing that could guarantee freedom from divorce, because I can only insure my own actions and choices and no one else's. But what could I do that would guarantee that I wouldn't erode the foundation Jason and I were about to establish? I decided that there was one little thing that I could have complete control over- and that was the words that came out of my mouth. I promised that I would never deliberately say anything meant to hurt my husband, nothing that I would regret later. While it's a little thing, I can honestly say that I've kept that promise to him. I've said plenty of things that are hurtful, but usually because I've opened my mouth before my brain had fully processed my words. I've never said anything to deliberately wound him. Because once they've been said, that hurt can never be truly undone.

I am in no way judging the Gosslin's, or any other family, for that matter. They have plenty of finger-pointing and enough of advice to choke a horse. I just want to publicly thank my parents for their example and to express my love for my own true love. He is always right beside me, expertly spreading mortar in any cracks that happen to appear.